It may sound a bit mean and off-topic, but when I became aware of KAKS a year ago and first made contact with like-minded people, I felt envious and very frustrated.
To explain this reaction, I need to expand a little.

I had a bilateral RB at the age of a few months and a recurrence at kindergarten age.
Due to all the radiation, a cataract developed in my remaining eye and so my lens was removed at the age of five.
Since then I have been wearing “cataract glasses” or “magnifying glasses”, whatever you want to call them.
The glasses are quite conspicuous, but that no longer bothers me.
The problem with this design is that I can only see through this small round lens in the glass.
My field of vision is therefore severely restricted.
Together with my eyesight of around 40%, I’m not exactly the eagle among the one-eyed.

Over the past ten years, I have made several attempts with a contact lens in order to be able to wear ordinary glasses and thus gain more field of vision.
Unfortunately, these attempts were never very successful, as a hard contact lens with 24 diopters is a difficult and literally heavy thing.
When I got to know KAKS last year, I was in the middle of contact lens trial number 4 and was hoping to exchange ideas with people who had to overcome similar hurdles to me.
Somehow I had the idea that it must be normal to develop cataracts after radiation and to go through the world as a one-eyed, lens-less and visually impaired person.
Don’t get me wrong.
I am quite happy with my life, have just completed my bachelor’s degree, have been in a steady relationship for several years, have good friends and am really proud of myself.
However, it’s not always easy and replacing my glasses with an alternative would be a huge gain for me.

However, when I spoke to a few courageous people who had also developed cataracts, I quickly realized that we didn’t have such similar hurdles to overcome.
They had never seen glasses like mine before, as they had recently had a new lens implanted.
Full vision also seemed to be something normal for them.

Before I met the courage makers, I was grateful that I had escaped the disease so lightly and that I still had eyesight, which made it possible to study, albeit with difficulty, to walk the streets alone in a foreign city and live independently.

It was frustrating to realize that others with the same condition were luckier than me.
That they have something that I have always mourned, even if not consciously.
Full vision with one whole eye.
I kept thinking about how easy this and that would be with this sight, or as I like to call it: “superpower”.
It took me some time to process and come to terms with this realization.

I decided to no longer accept my situation without a lens and with this field of vision, which sometimes puts me in a state of claustrophobia.
Contrary to what I had thought, this situation is not normal after our illness.
I consulted several ophthalmologists, finally plucked up my courage and made an appointment in Essen.
The decision was made and I wanted to have a lens implanted.
It’s actually an everyday thing, but a huge decision for me, as the lens has to be sewn into the eye and everything is a bit more complicated and risky than normal.

With this decision in my luggage and hope that had replaced the initial envy of the others, I drove to the Encourager Meeting.
I had been excited and looking forward to it for weeks.
However, I also had great respect for the topics to be discussed and was a little worried that the others might resent my initial resentment towards them.
I felt like I was back in a new class on the first day of school and hoped that the others would like me.

Conclusion: I was not put in the toilet with my head!

In return, I had an incredibly wonderful experience with incredibly lovely people.
I had a feeling of connection that I had never experienced before.
It may sound a little exaggerated, but this feeling has expanded my self-image.
It made me more than I was before.

And although I took on the role of the blind man at this meeting, I still had the strong feeling of being understood.
The others didn’t know what it was like to still not be able to read a word on the blackboard in the front row or to have to cross the road to decipher the road sign on the other side, but that and my initial envy didn’t matter.

We agreed on how unpleasant it can be to collide with passers-by coming from the wrong side.
How cheeky friends can be who step up to our side without making a sound and suddenly say “boo”.

I lay in bed with my dear roommate in the evening, our glass eyes in front of us, and we philosophized and laughed about how different these things can be.

Remembering these moments at the Encourager Meeting makes me smile and warms my heart.
I didn’t believe it, but it really gave me courage.
Courage for my upcoming operation. Courage for my future career, because the others are damn clever people and I now know that Cedric, as an engineer for electric watercraft, is the right person to go to when I’m stranded on a desert island.
Courage for everything that is yet to come and the certainty of no longer being alone.
I’m already looking forward to seeing the others again and getting to know even more of those affected.
Sharing and connection gives us so much and even if it sounds trite, together we really are stronger!
In this respect, I am incredibly grateful to KAKS for making all this possible and also for making me more.

Marie
Encourager